AnnaBee’s post reminded me of why I chose to be in law school. While reading her entry, I couldn’t help but see myself through her words, as if staring at a mirror. Some of my friends didn’t want me to pursue law school because they felt that I wouldn’t fit–that it would tear my personality down. My mom once told me that she thought I was only going to law school because I felt as if I couldn’t do anything else.

Maybe she was partly right, but my main reason still is for the discipline I feel it would drill into me. I felt that if I were to go straight from college to the work force, I’d be a wandering soul, not really knowing where to go and only going through the motions because they’re set fixedly. I’d be like a kid on a sugar high plowing through a candy store. And when I’ve eaten all the candy and the adrenaline rush wears off, I’d be miserable and sick.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t muster the courage to care. It was as if I went through college because it was expected. Everybody goes through college. But I went through it in order to graduate, and not really to effect a change in my life. I lost the drive midway through and never quite got back on track. I was living inside a very fragile, idealistic bubble and I couldn’t break through.

Law school changed that. Here, I feel as if there are unavoidable consequences to my every action. I don’t study to graduate; I study to become a lawyer. I’m not saying that journalism isn’t an important and fulfilling career path; what I’m saying is that I didn’t feel the pull for myself–that thing which would elevate it from a career path to a life commitment. Now, I do.

Plus, the discipline? It’s getting to me. Last week, I read in advance for ObliCon. I bet my college friends would turn their heads at the thought of my studying in advance for a class. I never studied before, let alone read in advance for a class. I was always the crammer. And reading always pulled through in the end for me. That’s not a boast, it’s a matter of fact. Now, I have to concede that cramming really will not work in law school. I have my abysmal midterm grades to back that up.

I posted on Facebook a status message that read, “I will study today”, and you would’ve thought that small pox broke out again. Countless people replied, “Why???” and “WTF?!”. A blockmate even messaged a friend to ask if I was really studying on sembreak. I had to tell people that 1) I was only reading whatever was at hand, 2) while waiting for my downloads to finish, 3) so I wouldn’t sleep, 4) and therefore fix my body clock.

That’s one-half of the truth. The other half is I studied because I don’t want to fail. And you know what, I shouldn’t be embarrassed that I’m doing what I can in order not to get kicked out of law school now that I finally realized I want to stay.